November 29, 2006

Life in a swing, sand in my toes, sun on my skin.

Since last week, I try to make it a point to go out and get the morning sun. Either at the swimming pool or just in company to the market with my mother.

Today, my mum went to the market with my dad. I didn't follow. I thought I'd go change currency for the trip. I thought I'd just make a short trip to the town central. But, on the spur of the moment, I decided that could wait. I wanted to go take a walk in the sun, at the park.

That's what I did.

There were 2 little boys playing at the playground, unsupervised. I wondered, where were the parents? Or grandparents? Or the maid? I stood leaning against this small drawbridge, soaking in the sun. Feeling the heat warm my skin, yet the breeze lightly kissing my face. It made me feel good.

Then, came another little girl and boy, twins. In a stroller. They were with their helper. Turkish children. I went to sit near where they were playing. I tried to strike up a conversation with them. Failed. They were, after all, barely 2 years old. But they smiled at me. Big round eyes, both of them have. I exchanged a few words with the helper.

I went to sit on the swing. I kicked the sand, kicked in the air. I went up, and up, and up. I thought this is life...

Sometimes, we go front and up, sometimes we go back and down. But we gotta keep moving. Most of the time, we can play on the swing, go high up through our own strength, our own kicking in the sand and in the air, pulling and pushing with our arms. And, the swing gets a momentum of its own and we can rest for awhile but it will stay high up. That is a feeling of liberation. A feeling as close to flying as it can possibly get.

Then, the swing loses a bit of energy and we start to go down. Lower and lower. Sometimes, we act to accelerate it again. We kick about again. But other times, we let it be. We are tired. And yet other times, we want to stay up. But, are too tired to do it through our own strength. That's why we need friends. Friends to give us a push from behind. Sometimes, a gentle push; other times, a stronger push.

xxx

My thoughts drifted to Guoqiang, Desmond and Kay.

Guoqiang and I knew each other since primary school. The swing was our common fave. We would practically fight to be on the swing, if there's only one available then. And if we happened to be both on swings, we would compete who can swing the highest and longest. He's a sore loser. But he never lost. I never let him. haha. It was hilarious.

Desmond and I used to enjoy walks in the park. Sometimes, we would come across playground and the swing would be free. Usually, Desmond was happy just to sit on the swing and swing, with legs still fixed on the ground. He claimed his legs were too long. Hence, it's hard to swing. I was the one who always wanted to swing high up. He would end up being the one to push me from behind. Until he got all sweaty and decided I should stop building my sense of liberation on his strength. It's quite funny.

Kay and I... I can't recall a time where we sat on the swings and swing high into the air. Maybe cos she has height phobia. I don't know. I don't remember if even I took a go on the swing with her pushing me from behind. Maybe we were too caught up with other things, going places, doing other things that we both also enjoyed.

It made me feel awfully nostalgic, thinking about these on the swing just now.

xxx

'Why are you sad?'

I turned to understand that the question was directed at me. It was the Turkish children's helper. She's a Filipino.

'Why are you sad?' she asked.

'How could you tell?' I replied.

She smiled. Then, I smiled.

She's 54. Almost twice my age. She's widowed and has 8 children and 8 grandchildren. They are all in Philipines. She's been working in Singapore as a maid for 14 years.

'Don't think about problems. There are a lot of problems in life. Problems come and they go. You don't think about it. Just let them go.' she said.

She made me feel greatly touched. I was that close to crying. A stranger who could tell I was sad, and shared with me her experience about her own life's problems, all in a matter of half an hour on the swing.

A few times, I thought of getting her name. But, I didn't. Because I knew this would probably be an episodic encounter. I didn't want to ask her name, only to forget it in the time to come. I wanted to remember that this stranger made me feel better, made me feel touched.

xxx

So many people come into our lives and walk out too. We may forget them, their names, even how they look like. But we never forget the way they made us feel.

That's what I just shared with Snow yesterday. He believed in 2 years' time, I would start turning to God, and Jesus. But, I already have. God has been dropping comments in my blog. Haven't you noticed?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:07

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November 28, 2006

From now till then.

I need to sleep... sleep long, sleep well.

Sleep for time to be past. Sleep for the past to pass.

I need to sleep a lot on Dec 30. Sleep early and sleep a lot. And sleep well.

Dec 31 will be so exciting, and I will be totally, physically and emotionally burnt out after burnt out just as the last seconds of 2006 tick by. Don't wake me up if I drop unconscious before the countdown begins. Don't stop me if I start crying as the countdown starts.

Let it be. Just, let me be.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:40

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November 27, 2006

God is nice but not necessary. Skeptics are not nice but necessary.

*For whichever definition you know about 'nice'.

xxx

The first time I was called a skeptic, I was walking out of the school foyer in my secondary school, with some classmates. I was making a remark about the school, or the teachers. Then, this classmate laughed and called me a skeptic.

A skeptic. I thought it sounded negative.

Last night, at a family dinner with all my relatives and cousins, one of my cousins called me a cynic.

Mann, life must be hard for me from secondary till now, to have been progressed from a skeptic to a cynic.

But, I adamantly insisted that yes, I'm a skeptic, but not a cynic.

She asked, what's the difference?

It's kinda rude to call someone a cynic when you can't differentiate between a skeptic and a cynic eh? I am not going to tell you here too. Read it up yourself! dictionary.com

There is nothing negative at all, being a skeptic. This is what education should make out of all of us. Especially when this world we're living in are full of swindlers and politicians. If we want to think out of the box, we gotta first know that the box is somewhat problematic, or maybe the box is not even there. You just think it's there because well, someone always have to tell us something exists when it really doesn't. Like, democracy. haha

So, I'm a skeptic. I made remarks like, 'Is there any turtle that's native to Singapore, anyway?' when my cousin's pet turtle in USA was refused entry into Singapore by the AVA on grounds that the poor turtle is not native to Singapore. My cousins all laughed and in awe of me. *ahem* haha Because they said my expression when I made that remark was classic. Classically skeptical.

I'm glad there's something for them to remember their skeptical cousin by. Because the next time we meet, may not happen till a long time after last night.

Yeah? I'm a skeptic. So WHAT?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:28

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November 24, 2006

Reverie

You know how people tell you that you shouldn't think of what you have lost, but to recount the beautiful memories that you have with someone you onced loved? Like, to be happy that you, at least, have sweet memories?

It's quite crap. You can choose to believe that. But, you don't have to believe it if it doesn't make you feel any better. I guess that applies to most things in life. But, one lie at a time, ok.

Sometimes, you'd rather not made the decision than to have made the decision and live with just memories. Rather just cower for fear of losing someone than to risk it and lose someone.

But hindsight is always, always more illuminating. Good judgement comes from bad experience. Life continues to laugh at you, never with you.

xxx

I was thinking of my flight. I was thinking of flights, in general. How likely is it to die in an air accident?

Anyway, I was thinking of what if I die just suddenly? Most people die quite suddenly, eh? But what if I do?

Would anyone know what I left behind for them? Everything that I've kept in my life, who are they going to when I die?

Would the people I love know that I love them? Would the people who have touched me in this life know that they've given me something that I never did forget?

Would you know that I've saved all our photos since we became friends because the photos gave me simplicity when the world gets complicated?

Would you know that I've kept all the cards you've given me because they were from you? Would you know that I kept the pager you gave me as a birthday present when we were each other's first love?

Would you know that I'm leaving you many, many letters that I wrote to you but never sent out?

And I thought of tagging all those possessions of mine that I'm leaving for you and you and you. My little legacies.

Just before you forget me, remember me one more time. Just when I just told you memories can be more painful.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:55

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Today's Special

Faith must (not) be blind

So, I said, 'Ask not how you can serve your religion, but how does your religion serve you?'

What if, what if you die only to learn that God, too, can break his promise? It shouldn't even matter. Because, my silly friend, you are already dead by then. Unless there's another even higher being that you can lodge a complaint against God with. But, why risk being fooled twice?

As for me, my religion serves only to make me feel small, and my all my life's problems insignificant. It doesn't make me feel better. It just convinces me to accept it.

And you asked, 'Isn't that a resignation to fate?'

And I replied, 'Aren't all religions about being resigned to a fate or something, or someone?'

xxx

Eat, drink; walk, shop. Loneliness.

He said, 'I hope your happiness lasts till the wedding.'

I said, 'I hope it lasts through your marriage. But at least, until your wedding.'

I'm happy for you too. You were smiling, you were making noise, you were enthusiastic.

I walked alone, amidst the early X'mas shoppers. The path opened up to the steps of memory lane. I remembered helping a couple take a photograph of them at the tree, last X'mas. I remembered you waited while I helped them.

I slowed down. I stared into the past. I crossed my arms, attempted to embrace myself. Music was blasting from the earphones. I saw loneliness from your happiness.

I became a picture of loneliness.

xxx

If a good life's too expensive, you can get me these.

I don't mind having them for X'mas this year. And I can't get them myself. Because, I am saving up for my new toy. So, if you can't give me any one of these, then, I'd just allocate my next splurge-fund to these titles (you scrooge!):

1. Carry Me Down by M.J Hyland
2. Moral Disorder by Margaret Atwood
3. We Need To Talk About Kelvin by Lionel Shriver
4. Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel (Book preferred but won't mind VCD)
5. The Quiet Room by Lori Schiller and Amanda Bennett
6. Insecure At Last by Eve Ensler

xxx

Everyone should have someone like you

So that everyone can hide a chuckle during a superbly lame and boring workshop. So that everyone can waste 8 minutes of their life telling you about the hidden message in a dream of you. And then, shudder at the indefinitely horrifying impossibility together.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:24

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November 23, 2006

Grand, grand plans.

1. Dao De Jing must go on.

2. mp3player must be able to play depressing songs and, very importantly, Damien Rice! *I just got the new album! yay~~~!

3. the radar is on for the new toy, and most expensive item ever purchased by the saint.

4. when the new toy has arrived, there will be a new series debuting.

5. the wedding plans must go on... fast.

6. the new slave-driver must save me... fast too.

7. the gospel must go on.

8. the lies must be kept at bay.

9. the nails must be mani-pedicured.

10. the dogs must be disciplined.

11. (the saint is going off track...)

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:18

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Chuckles...

"You promised to love me till you die. As far as I know, you're still alive."

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:16

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All of you have not managed to disappoint me; just disheartened me.

You know, when someone, anyone tells you something is too good to be true, believe it. It probably is.

xxx

You know, what they say about what didn't kill you can only make you stronger? Try to believe it just once. And if what you wish would just kill you didn't kill you again, do not ever believe that it is supposed to make you stronger. It only shows the more you age, the more difficult it is to die.

You know, how they say, you gotta live even better to prove to your x-gf/bf what they're missing out on? Don't believe that. They are lying. You live better (or at least, try) simply because there's more time to yourself (which is a double-edged sword), one less person to spend your paycheck on, one less person to feel and be responsible to, more recklessness. Caution, recklessness can cause early death.

And then, you would have realised no matter how we live, we live to die.

But between now and then, live. For the sake of the people who didn't stop loving you; who disappointed you sometimes, but never disheartened you; who walked in with a candle (and merely put the lighter in your hands) when the light went out; who replayed laughter when you failed to hear.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:45

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November 17, 2006

Fly to surrealism

I've booked the flight. Let me down only if you can afford to pay for it. Otherwise, be prepared to be ostracised on Dec 30 n 31. Budget's not loose this time. So, let's just have a lot of egg tarts and char siew bao for meals. And plenty alcohol too. But, that's on you, as the host. You sure you can't fix the water heater at your place? Shitz.

xxx

The graduation song told them, there's nothing you can't become.

Actually, more like, there are a lot of things you can become. Like, become jaded (you will learn to smile at a painful decision in your life, simply cos it's so not funny), become ridiculously stupid (ask stupid questions on your term paper and leave your university tutors baffled at how you made it to uni), become arseholes (who come up with unbelievably incredible reasons to break up with someone), become losers (who accept unbelievably incredible reasons to being ditched and still hope for a change of heart), become suckers (a bit like losers, but in a more leeching way?), become someone else everyone wanted you to be (that's, a loser and a sucker all at the same time).

It's so untrue. The discourse of graduation ceremonies. Someone should have told me, when I was leaving primary school, that life is only going to get more shitty from hereon. And I probably would think that person's mad. But, someone should have reinforced that again, when I was leaving secondary school. And, I would have started to believe it. Someone should have told me, yet again, when I was leaving college. I would have seen it. Really.

But someone didn't tell me anything like that. And I didn't see it. I saw the shit, but I didn't see that life is not going to be easier as you go through more shit. It just gets fucking harder.

At the innocent age of 26, did I realise that I've been living a life of lies. Lies that the world made me believe, lies that people who love me said to try to protect me, lies that I, somehow, managed to convince myself with.

You think growing up is difficult? Wrong. Living is difficult. You should have just jumped when you failed your Chinese paper at PSLE.

I'm kidding. We still need people around in this world. Because some of us, actually, grew up to see through the lies. Not only that. We DIDN'T become worse people. We try to find our own living through the lies, our own way of coping, our own gospel. Our own truth.

The truth is out there. You just keep refusing to see it.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:39

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November 16, 2006

Dao De Jing (The Lao-Tzu Way), interpreted.

Te Ching - 2

... Hence it is necessarily the case that the noble has as its root the humble and the high has its foundation the low. Now this is why lords and princes refer to themselves as 'solitary', 'desolate' and 'hapless'. This is the humble as root, is it not?
Thus the highest renown is without renown. Hence wishing not to be one among many like jade, nor to be aloof like stone.

===

Ok. This is, easier said than done. And I've been wanting to add this to what I heard over the radio that morning.

"And, until you can find contentment within yourself, you will not know how to love with commitment."

Gospel? Pending...

xxx

Te Ching - 3

When the best student is told about the way, it is barely within his power to grasp it;
When the average student is told about the way, it seems to him one moment there and gone the next;
When the worst student is told about the way, he laughs out loud at it.
If he did not laugh at it, it would not have been good enough to be the way. [...]

===

I think it describes my trajectory in the Sociology Dept of NUS rather aptly. I was never the worst student. I didn't laugh at anything. It either got too confusing or too complicated or too stressful to laugh about.

Can never forget my 'D' for Medical Soci term paper. Even though, OK! It's my fault. Am I blaming anyone beside myself? No, not really. But I just like to whine about it from time to time. heh.

Oh! And, the traumatic "So what?!" term paper.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:48

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November 14, 2006

Crashing morals

Dao de jing and its interpretation by St Jancy is on hold. Because hey! For some reason, I find myself very busy this week! Probably cos tuition resumed. And work in school has been a blur, with prize giving, rehearsals, parents notification, things to give out, things to collect, admin to manage... blahblahblah...

And, oh shit. I haven't done my Bahasa Indo homework.

And, the plan was to sleep earlier tonight.

And, so, that's it!

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:23

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Deja Vu

I was so close to finishing this blog entry earlier this evening. *shakes head... Here goes... again...

This morning, I was conscientiously marking a stack of worksheets that I collected from my P3 class. Marking, while I was babysitting a P6 class. The pupils in this class have rather conveniently neglected my presense in their classroom ever since they fulfilled their obligation to sit for the PSLE. Not that I minded. I'm happy to just do my work from other classes while they run around the class, play silly games, do childish stuff and make noise. Honestly? I dread going to the class lah. But I just have to.

Then, I heard a shout. This boy was shouting to one of his (equally loud-mouth and childish) friend. "Hey! Bangla leh!" I suppose he was pointing at the object of his attention.

And, the next thing I heard was said in a tone so condescending that I didn't think I would ever have managed it when I was 12 years old. *But, really, during my time, pupils were taught the value of Respect.* This friend responded by shouting, "Wah lau... Bangla...!"

And me? I was just speechless. I looked up from my marking and looked out. An Indian worker just walked past the corridor outside the classroom. He's probably here to fix some fixtures or ceilings that one of these racist monkeys spoilt.

What did I do then? Nothing. Too many thoughts were running in my mind then. I just stared at them, horrified. Does this only happen to schools that are mono-race, i.e. the only mother tongue taught is Chinese?

MOE thinks that by celebrating Racial Harmony Day every year, pupils will learn to appreciate differences. Man, I think that's sooo wishful thinking! Appreciation can't be expected when there's not even respect.

Yesterday, I was teaching Civics n Moral Ed. I HATE teaching CME! Anyway, the lesson objective was to teach awareness of racial differences and respect for these differences. Because of some really lame reason, I was only left with 30 mins to finish teaching.

At this point in time, I would like to explain that here, 'teaching' typically means going through the textbook and then, asking questions (if the pupils can answer) and then, dishing out workbook activity for them to complete. And, usually, that will require at least, 40 mins. And most teachers, for the sake of easier marking (it's CME, nobody really marks CME activity ok...), will ask for answers but still give a standard answer for the pupils to just copy onto their workbook.

Anyway, I was supposed to raise awareness about how our friends of the Islamic faith do not eat pork and our friends of the Hindu faith do not eat beef. And hence, how we should be sensitive to this and be respectful towards them when we dine with them.

So, I went through the rites of the lesson. And when asked what they should do when they dine with a friend of Islamic faith, there was hardly any answer. After awhile, I saw a little hand raised and a girl answered meekly, "don't eat pork." Ok, not wrong. So, I commented that was a possible answer.

These few boys seated in the front rows (such audacity!) started whispering among themselves. Things like, "Don't care about them", "Ask them to eat pork also", "They eat what they want, we eat what we want, why must care about them?" Then, they started giggling. Smart alecks!

What did I do then? I pinpointed a couple of them and got them to stand up and repeat what they were whispering. And I scolded them for not being sensitive and being so self-centred.

By now, I have less than 10 mins left to complete the lesson.

It's very, very horrifying. At least, to me. When you see these children behaving in such a self-centred and ethnocentric way. And they think it's funny! And we are supposed to count on them as the next pillars of our nation? I mean, what happened to them? Who failed them?

Children are children. They are impressionable and they are supposed to be moulded by education (i.e. MOE) into better persons. So, what went wrong? The parents? The system? The teachers? The environment? The dominant politcal environment and belief?

It's been a very disillusioning ride so far.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:49

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The Sign(h)

I was two sentences to finishing my last blog entry. A friend called. I answered the phone and with my itchy feet, gave the side table that holds my CPU a lil knock. The next thing that happened was so traumatic that I can't talk about it now.

It was a super long blog. Longest since a long time. And it's about a frightening incident in school yesterday and today. I HAVE to blog about it. Because it's just ME to blog about it.

But, I can't do it now. I'm not over the trauma yet. Let me put on my ballet socks. Maybe I'd get over it by tonight and re-post again.

Erm... ARGGGHHHH!!!

I should just save up really hard this two months and get myself a new laptop, even though I hate the ergonomics. But... I can't have anymore of such traumas in my life. Life is difficult enough without technology screwing you up.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:39

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November 13, 2006

Heard this

over radio this morning.

"Until you can make peace with yourself, you will not find contentment."

xxx

I've my project to do. But it seems like there was no time to do it the past few days and today. Bad excuse. Ok. I'd try hard tomorrow.

xxx

In the garden of forking paths, you will go the way that I can't follow.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:46

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November 11, 2006

For God's sake, you are a goddess. So, behave like one!

God has a right to be stressed too. Because it's all not-knowing.

xxx

During the church wedding, this was spoken by the pastor:

To love with action and in truth. For love with action but no truth is hypocrisy and love in truth but no action is brutality.

This is my interpretation:

To love someone means you take a proactive position to do the things that show you love (in my most recent case, someone is) her. You act to love. Don't just base it on feelings. You do something, no matter how little, everyday, to show you care and you love her. Because love is a verb.

To say that you love someone means that it's nothing but the truth. And you are committed to loving her. You mean it as a truth and in all that you do, it shows reflections of that love for her. Because truth is about belief.

xxx

It always started with some kind of attraction, infatuation even. Then, it might progress to hypocrisy. All those gifts, all those attention, all those 'all-I-want-is-to-be-with-you's. Maybe action and truth happened in the interim, when everything seems to be on a plateau. Then, questions and doubt started appearing. But, the comfort zone was just established. So comfortable, so taken for granted that love became a feeling, not a verb. Sometimes, just a little bit more freedom was preferred. Sometimes, restlessness. Sometimes, boredom. Then, it became brutality. Then, conscience pricked. Then, there was no more brutality but also no more truth. And of course, no more action too. Then, there's all there was to it.

In the end, there's only emptiness and pain. And cough syrup.

And some very good friends. Who can help distract from pain, from loneliness, can light a beacon from the end of the tunnel. But, can't help piece a broken heart, can't interpret your life for you, can't walk you out of the tunnel.

xxx

Nobody said sainthood is going to be easy. Nobody said marriage is. In fact, nobody said anything at all. It's all only in your mind.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:32

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November 10, 2006

Gospel

"In a world where 70% of the world's wealth is owned by 3% of the world's population, you are a saint for giving these few kids some justice in the world (by even agreeing to teach them)." meisen 2006:1748

"The world is governed by perverse moral rules. I damn those people who just want to pray troubles away." meisen 2006:1751

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:58

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And you can call him Lord Snowlette

Though I still prefer to call him shameless honey.

Because he once said it broke his heart to see me this depressed. And because he has more faith than anyone I know in his good friend-cum-saviour, Mr Kilkenny (it used to be Mr Hoe). And because after all the search for THE colleague I most want to sit beside again, it's still PPGMCE who's my top choice. And because, I just might really end up being his colleague again (life's complicated and inherently cursed).

Especially at the innocent old age of 26. A lot of bad things, evil conspiracies must happen in the 26th year. Then, shit still happens. But, at least, the quarter life is over.

How can anyone not love Snowlette? Those mutherfarkus in PA.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:09

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Friend of the night is not going anywhere.

Ok. It's good. But, I still like what I said I liked. But Meisen is the mostest magnificent! For helping to download and then, sending me a song that she thought was super boring. Yay!

I'm listening to Interpol now. How come it sounds better listening to it at my own home, alone than when I was listening to it in your house with you? Hmm...

I'm revamping the contents in my mp3 player.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:04

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Extinction is forever.

And definitely more reliable than love.

xxx

I attract people much less mature than me because I look calm (really, I think, it's indifferent and jaded), I operate in the everyday in a manner that suggests world peace (already), and I make people feel safe and secure with me (because I bloody try my best not to judge anyone).

Is it because I make problems seem smaller and life, simpler because I don't plan in detail for the future and prefer the now?

Or it's just how I look. Too cool? Too calm? Too indifferent? Too weary.

xxx

Assuming my allocated time in this space is 75 years, in a third of my lifetime, there are 4 utterances by 3 different persons that are going to stay in the discourse of my life for a very very long time to come.

When I was a mere teenager...
"If you have the ground to fight, fight. If not, you don't even have a ground to stand on. How to fight?"
That is belief.

When I thought I knew what was love...
"You were a mistake that I don't ever want to repeat again."
That is trauma.

When I was not looking for love...
(In Mandarin)"You must take good care of yourself. Because I do cherish you a lot."
That is a whole new world.

When I was desperately needing support...
"I don't think you are ready to be just a mere friend with me. That's why I'm keeping my distance from you."
That is judgment and rejection.

The next time anybody, even if it's someone I love till it doesn't matter that I hurt,
1. make false accusations on me;
2. puts the blame on me so as to feel better themselves;
3. tell me what they think is good for me but actually, just fulfilling their self-righteouness or
4. pass judgment on me based on what they think I'm capable or not capable of doing, as if they know me so so so well,
I will say, "Fuck you".

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:37

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November 09, 2006

Gospel

"All the good memories in life, fairy tales were made out of them, so as to embellish them. So maybe all good stuff feels surreal." St Dorian

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:42

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Dao De Jing (The Lao-Tzu Way), interpreted.

This is my new project. Bestowed by my personal therapist, during an in-house session. Fyi, Lao-Tzu's time was somewhere during the Zhou Dynasty. Specifically, the warring states period, i.e. 480 - 222 BC. Not like you would remember, right? Let's get on with it.

Te Ching - I

... The man of superior rectitude acts and has an ulterior motive for his action as well. The man superior in the observances of the rites acts, but when no one responds to his action rolls up his sleeves and resorts to dragging by force.

Hence, when the way was lost there was virtue; when virtue was lost there was benevolence; when benevolence was lost there was rectitude; when rectitude was lost there were the rites.

===

I think it's talking about the pathetic plight of mainstream teachers in today's school, with today's children. I was close to pulling my own hair a few times while I'm at work. What were you expecting? You can't bloody touch a single hair of these kids nowadays.

My personal rites would be to fold my arms, resigned, lean on the whiteboard and use my whiteboard markers to tap on the whiteboard and ask, in a rather pathetic manner, in Chinese, "Have you all finished talking? Is it my turn yet?"

But hey! It works. And bloody hell, the relief teacher covering my duties yesterday (while I sought the new way and new purpose in life) conveniently took my markers and forgot to put it back into my basket! I have to spend $1.10 to buy a new marker today. Damn.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:01

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November 08, 2006

Latihan 1

Nama saya Jancy. Saint Jancy, boleh juga. Perkerjaan saya guru, di bidang perdidikkan. Sekarang, saya kerja di Pei Chun Public School. Tapi, saya kurang senang bekerja di sana. Saya tidak senang bekerja untuk MOE.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:58

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This is the new gospel.

Please, take it seriously.


"As for those who have failed her love, it's just too bad that they can't love a goddess." meisen 2006:1715

"It's not just a saying; take it as a gospel truth. Because it's the magnificent Meisen." meisen 2006:1743

Even if these are the only two truths, at least, we've made a beginning.

It's my new religion. It's my new project. But that will start tomorrow. Because, for this and next week, I STILL have to wake up at 5.30am for work. And (good news!!!) I'm feeling a lil tired already.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:46

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Epilogue

First and foremost, if you haven't quite gotten it, I broke up with my girlfriend. Yep, that will be the Ah Girl that I've been referring to since... well, what feels like ages ago. But if you need to know, it's less than 2 years. And if you need to know (and God knows why you have not figured it out yet), this relationship ended 2 months ago. I never knew when it started, because I don't believe in the whole crappy idea of having a start date then, anniversaries. I don't believe in milestones, only moments. So, disillusioned me thought that if there's no starting date, may there be no ending date too. And, of course, that's a very idealistic wish.

For all of you who have been kept in the loop about my sleep problems and basically, my entire life now as a problem, and have been checking on me in all your little and big ways, you will be happy to know that today, I start blogging. Again. Not as The Atomic Princess anymore. Actually, that name just stuck. I can't even remember why I named myself that. Anyway, I think I am who I am. (Notice I used 'think'. Because then, I can think otherwise when my mood changes again.) And there's no denying that anymore. I'm not trying to be humble about it anymore.

I am Saint Jancy. Or you can just call me Jancy.

xxx

Let it be known that I am still depressed and I've never stopped being disillusioned. And being with some sociology-student (or sociologist) friends couldn't have helped. But, I still love soci. When I make enough money to pursue my masters, I'm most likely to do my masters in Soci. I just love being disillusioned and potentially, perpetually depressed. So what?!

And doc just gave me a new bot of cough syrup (actually, I just needed the MC for missing work today) which is supposed to make me feel more drowsy in a shorter time. How nice!

I'm allowed to miss my x-girlfriend from time to time. I'm allowed to miss who we were. I'm allowed to cry a little than to repress my pain. I'm allowed to take tiny steps, if I can, towards the end of the tunnel, even if I can't see the end yet. I'm not allowed to wallow deeper in self-pity. I'm not allowed to go back further into the tunnel. I'm allowed time but not my whole life.

Just don't assume you know me all that well. I've had enough of all you people with your self-righteousness and all the judgement you've passed on me.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:30

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November 03, 2006

False entry

Because these are the people who inspired this blog entry.

Meisen> Therapist Wong. One of the very few persons, who not only condones my state of depression, but told me to feel depressed with style; who at the very beginning stage, affirmed to me that life really doesn't get any easier as you go through more shit - you just thought you knew better, but in reality, life just gets tougher; who replies my totally existential smses, sends me songs so I can feel more depressed, got me out to see the merlion almost being fucked, makes me feel alive by talking to me about movies and books, lends me books (by my fav author too)... and... so on.

And for this that she wrote and thought about me:

what is it about death,
more than life,
that leaves my soul at peace.
what has my thoughts on death,
so warm and comforting,
steam-uprising
beneath my vulnerable senses,
especially on this
particular night,
where my love can not be my lover
and my heart - can not be,
pieced together.

The comment is "Mm. Very... very nice. Very, very depressing. Thanks."

Hadrian> For letting me put into text how meaningless money (my extra income) is:

Money can't buy a state of mind,
can't redeem lost meaning,
can't fill up a state of disillusionment.

Apple> For having gotten to know me better over 2 Iced Passion Tea and a Garlic prawn pasta. It's true, some of us are just not meant to live the life of being taken care of, pampered upon and all that kind of undivivded attention. There is no such thing as choice when you are just not meant for it.

CJ and Z> For the occasional smses that asked 'how's your day been?' even though I could find no real replies.

Everyone else who has kept their distance because I'm a strong girl> Then, pls don't ask me about work, or what lesson I've learnt, or what's in store for the future. And don't suggest that I'd be a better person, stronger person and that I'd find someone else in time to come. The most you can ask would be, "Did you sleep well last night?"

To Time:

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Your life ought to be shorter.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:58

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